Tuesday, January 22, 2013

CREATING RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES


by Amy Ensminger

If there were ever a relationship where boundaries could get confusing, it is a marriage or committed relationship, where by design – they "become one flesh"

Boundaries in general foster independence and marriage or a committed relationship fosters togetherness and agreement. That means riight off the bat, unless you are good at understanding and establishing boundaries it can be a state of confusion and confusion in relationships can lead to conflict.

There are obvious boundaries we talk about where you identify who takes care of the checkbook, mows the lawn, cleans the house, takes out the trash, puts the kids to bed or cooks the meals.   

Then there are the ones that we don't talk about.  They generally are the ones that include someone crossing a line and trying to control the other person’s feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, longings, choices and values. If someone tries to control these things about another person, ultimately, the relationship will fail. When these types of offenses happen there are two very clear types of boundary problems that come up:

►Problem #1: The individuals who can't SAY "yes or no"
►Problem #2: The individuals who can't HEAR "yes or no"

And by the way…when either of these problems is going on there can be no intimacy or respect in a relationship.

How you respond to your boundary being offended depends on how you normally responded to hurt or anger growing up and everyone is different on what their disappointment or hurt looks like based upon our childhood and past relationships. If someone is trying to control the other persons feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, longings, choices or values its because they are coloring those boundaries or understanding of them with their childhood experiences, offenses or hurts. When someone is doing this they are acting or reacting out of fear which looks controlling to their mate or even acting like a 4-year old throwing a tantrum.

Communication at its best becomes difficult when either of these behaviors is going on.  
What you are saying or what you are hearing is glossed over with your childhood experiences.  Because of that, there is no way that your mate could ever understand the boundary you are trying to explain nor can you hear a boundary that is being explained.  See now how confusion and conflict come out of simple boundaries?

For example let’s talk about my relationship with David. When he crosses a boundary or disappoints me by not keeping commitments after we discussed a boundary we both act and react to it from our own childhood experiences. For me that means I most likely said it from a place of anger vs. hurt and responded to it from a position of feeling taken advantage of. Where David most likely heard it from a place of hurt vs. anger and responded to it from a position of wanting peace at all costs.  As you can see we are doomed from the beginning to have conflict with those point of views.

That’s of course assuming that I even communicated clearly about the boundary AND consequence to begin with OR didn't expect him to read my mind about any piece of it. Because of all of the confusion of he said/she said and he heard/she heard, most likely I got angry, shut down and crawled into my cave… all because both of us tilted our communication and listening with our childhood events.

In our case, you could ask WHO the greater offender was. The one who crossed the boundary or the one who didn't make the offense, boundary or consequence clear to begin with.  My vote is they both have responsibilities here but in this case I believe I would be the one most at fault. (Not to mention my childish behavior of getting angry, shutting down and crawling in my cave.)

Don't get me wrong, I do believe there are responsibilities and consequences when COMMUNICATED boundaries with choices are not honored. Throw rocks at me if you will, but I just believe in most cases miscommunicating the offense, boundary and consequence about something that’s important enough for you to establish a boundary can trump not hearing or understanding what you didn't communicate about well to begin with. 

In yours and our situation consequences are different in every offense based upon what you both talked about and understood when the boundary was originally established. That’s why clarity and understanding is so valuable before you end the conversation and agreement. 

It would be foolish of me to assume I've walked in either of your shoes enough to recommend what boundaries or consequences you need to be handing out in your relationship. What I can talk about is clarifying with you that a boundary is a choice and is NOT an ultimatum. Giving choices is vital and respectful with boundaries. One clear way to hear whether you are getting or giving a respectful boundary is to notice whether choices are being given

So, what do some of those choices and ultimatums look like?

  • Ultimatums are spoken in anger. 
    • Boundaries are truly about a respectful choice, spoken in love. 
  • Ultimatums come from a desire for control and force. 
    • Boundaries come from a place of power and strength.
  • Ultimatums shut down options. 
    • Boundaries open up choices.
  • Ultimatums stop a conversation. 
    • Boundaries start one.
  • Ultimatums threaten with consequences. 
    • Boundaries offer a chance to seek a solution.
  • Ultimatums are rigid. 
    • Boundaries are firm, yet resilient.
  • Ultimatums often end a relationship. 
    • Boundaries invite a relationship to change.
I'm sure you will agree it seems to me that the real difference between the two is the intent of the person speaking. Hopefully with this cheat-sheet you will begin to speak and hear differently about something as valuable as your relationship.

CHALLENGE:

When we first got back together after filing for divorce because of deep wounds and offenses, we established respectful boundaries with choices, not ultimatums. Today, because we've learned how to treat one another with love and respect and live with daily grace for one another, we don’t have a need for boundaries in our relationship. When your relationship is ready…I challenge you to try loving and living in your relationship without the need for boundaries. If it doesn't work for your relationship, you can always go back to living with respectful boundaries with choices.

HOMEWORK: 

  1. I would recommend you begin the small step of identifying the offended boundaries from YOUR childhood (not your mates) and past relationships and note how they made you 'feel'. Look for a pattern of how you felt and how you reacted in these offenses and see if you are still doing that. 
  2. Communicate (be vulnerable) with your mate what came up for you in that exercise to begin to open up the communicate lines about respectful boundaries with choices.

SUGGESTION: 

Ask yourself these questions...
  • Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
  • What are legitimate boundaries?
  • What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
  • Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
  • Are boundaries selfish?
  • What do I do if someone keeps disrespecting my boundary?
If you struggled answering any of these questions -- learn how to communicate, resolve conflict and establish boundaries respectfully by attending one of our four Couples Training in 2013. 
  • Our next available Couples Training is January 25-27 or April 26-28, Irving, TX
  • Our next available 1-Day Workshop for Singles & Couples is February 23 on “Improving Communication in Your Relationships”, Carrollton, TX
  • For more info or to register contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

Copyright © 2011 ADE & Associates, Inc.  All rights reserved.

David & Amy Ensminger are Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops, retreats and speaking for singles and couples about creating hope and joy in relationships.   For information or to register for their next available program contact 800.229.9252 or go to www.creatingintimacyandrespect.com

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About Me

Frisco, Texas, United States
David & Amy Ensminger are the Founders and on the Board of Directors for Creating Intimacy & Respect, Inc. which provides training's, workshops & retreats for Singles and Couples. "It is our passion and commitment to plant a seed of hope and joy in the lives of others". ~ David & Amy
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